I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
