I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
