Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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