R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
