Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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