I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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