dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
