I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
