Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My feet surprised me
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