Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
