Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
