nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
