i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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