after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
