just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i love accidental penises.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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