I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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