yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
