fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
