When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
