Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The uberlube is also flammable
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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