yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
