Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
