I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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