I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just forgot I was standing up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
