In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
