R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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