I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
