He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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