Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
