i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
