I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dignity is for republicans.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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