i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
