you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
