do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
