did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
