I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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