Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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