If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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