No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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