glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm