She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.