i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.