I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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