does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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