Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
