There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
