My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
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I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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