best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
