I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
