They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
