Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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