Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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