I accidentally had phone sex last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't turn off my feet"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
