I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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