he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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