fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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